Decisions

I've lost some weight again.

Knowing this is not a good thing for me. 

If I gain weight, I am upset. If I lose some, I am triggered. 

There is no way to be content with the number, whatever it is.

I'm not really surprised about the weight loss because I went vegan three months ago. I know it's probably not a good idea for people like me to limit their food choices so much, but this is something I feel pretty strongly about. I am trying to be healthy though, I am really trying to eat enough and make good choices.
But for me, this is also a way to gain control over food, yet another way of restricting.

I don't binge & purge anymore, because there's usually nothing to binge on considering my food restrictions. That is a very good thing.

I do restrict a lot more than necessary and on some days I just don't eat at all. That is a very bad thing.

My boyfriend doesn't know about my struggles with EDs. We've been together for 2 years and I still haven't told him. I think he might have a suspicion, though. He often makes comments about how little I eat and keeps asking me what I had for lunch, dinner...

It makes me really uncomfortable because
I know my eating is not normal.

It makes me even more uncomfortable because
I am way too fat to be eating this little. 

I'm thinking about telling the boy about my disordered past/present. I think it would be really good for me to finally let this out. Either that, or I will break up with him. It feels like we are together not out of love, but because it feels comfortable. And I am so scared of being alone.

I'm not sure what to do, I feel like I love him, yet I don't. The only time we feel and act real is when we are drunk. I am really conflicted about this. Here's to a clarity of mind!

Love

~ Meg